unconditionally

my entire pregnancy i tried to keep a realistic outlook:

i know i'll be sleep deprived.

i know this will cost us a ton of money the rest of our lives.

i know i won't be able to go out with friends like we used to.

i know he'll cry for no reason at all + there's nothing i can do about it.

i know it will change my life.

you prepare

+

plan

+

read

+

make decisions

for nine months hoping to make the transition easier...

and then you're lying in a hospital + the nurse says,

"ok, the doctor will be here in 15 minutes."

and it hits you.

the reality of it all hits you.

i'm about to bring a life into the world and i literally have no clue.

and every word i've read in preparation completely flees.

then the doctor walks in the room.

i blink.

and there he is.

i don't remember much else.

all i know is i held him.

so close.

the next few days are a blur.

doctors walking in and out.

nurses checking in.

visitors coming and going.

and then,

they send you home.

they send you home with the smallest,

most fragile human life you've ever seen.

and as you drive home you think to yourself,

"i'm terrified + all i want to do is show him i love him. why am i so terrified?"

for weeks you don't sleep.

for weeks you change diapers, sometimes without even realizing it.

for weeks you're covered in spit up + poop and a shower + makeup are novelities.

for weeks you hear his cries for you in the night, when you're most exhausted.

then one day,

he looks at you + smiles.

he knows it's you.

and you realize,

he loves you.

a n d    n o t h i n g    e l s e    m a t t e r s .

because the most important part in all this --

making sure he knows you love him too,

everyday.

no matter what.

completely, unconditionally.

and i do.